What’s in a name? Would a toddler, by any other name, be as inquisitive … a teenager as stroppy … an octogenarian as wise.
And what’s in a cliché? Are you really starting out in life when you leave school? Do you become a proper little person when you learn how to say “no”? If you are of a certain age or going through the change, are you really transmogrifying into an overwrought ogre?
What if the ages of man were definitive and unambiguous, with clear boundaries and easy-to-follow rules? What if there was a way to know where you belonged in the mortal timeline?
Well, there is! Here’s the official Guide to the Seven Ages of Man, according to the natural laws of the ready-to-run remote control car.
- Age of the John Deere Tractor (2 to 4 years)
At this age, a child has a growing sense of autonomy and a developing capacity for mental reasoning. Although this little one’s motor skills are improving by the day, huge results from minimum effort is still the name of the game. If it’s too difficult, it’s no fun.
The problem with the John Deere Tractor age, though, is egocentrism – an inability to see the world from any viewpoint other than one’s own. So, when an RC toy runs over a baby brother or sister, or scuffs the paint on the skirting board, the driver of the toy just can’t understand why this is a problem. That’s why the John Deere Tractor is made of soft plastic, with rounded edges.
Despite the fact that this driver is growing up fast, there’s still a need for reassurance and a sense of security. Fortunately, the John Deere Tractor has a lovely, smiley face; and judging by the jaunty antenna on its head, it might even be a previously unknown Tellytubby.
- Age of the 1/14 scale RC Ferrari FXX-K (5 to 12 years)
For this little tyke, life is all about activity. Doing equals learning. It’s a time for learning about the principles of physics, such as gravity (things fall downward), thermal energy (fire is so cool!), and friction (got to have those new super-grip trainers). It’s a time for learning how to solve problems, like getting out of trouble (lying works best) and fixing a broken RC car (take it apart).
Only 40 of the original, full-sized Ferrari FXX-K were ever built, and owning one of these really cool 1/14 scale models carries quite a bit of clout in the playground. With full-function radio control, differential gearbox, tri-channel transmitter, and working head- and tail lights, these RC cars look realistic, and young drivers can make believe that they’re sitting in the driving seat, whizzing around the track. At £50, these cars are not overly expensive.
- Age of the Wall Racer (13-19 years)
Who is this person? Where does he belong? Has he any worth? Is he even human? These are questions that a Wall Racer driver frequently asks himself.
Impulsive and emotional, this new adult is experiencing a painful metamorphosis. Desire for independence fights with a need to belong. A biological need to conform to the expectations of peers joins forces with a biological instinct to repel the influence of adults.
Drivers of the Wall Racer exult in the unconventional nature of this vehicle … they take satisfaction in annoying their parents and impressing their mates … and they experience a sense of achievement in taking a conventional hobby to the limits of acceptance. That’s what being the driver of a Wall Racer is all about.
- Age of the Porsche 918 Spyder(20 to 49 years)
This age is one of co-operation, commitment, and compromise. It’s about intimate relationships, professional aspiration, and creative use of leisure time. This person wants to fit in, but stand out; make sacrifices, but not lose too much; be nurturing, but take care of number one.
The driver of a Porsche 918 Spyder favours this 1/14 scale RC car with full-function radio control, differential gearbox, working head and tail-lights, and tri-channel transmitter. It’s not too large, like the showy 1:6 scale Ferrari 488 GTB (Heaven forbid anyone should suspect a mid-life crisis), but it’s sleek, intelligent, good-looking, and very, very, cool – just like its driver, in fact.
- Age of the 1/6 scale RC Ferrari 488 GTB (50-64 years)
This is an age of confidence and inner peace. The burden of self-consciousness has at last been shed.
Operating on the 2.4G frequency, with full function control, this huge 1/6 scale model faithfully replicates the original, full-sized Ferrari 488 GTB in appearance. Its detailed features include badges, Ferrari-style wheels, and working headlights. A big plus with this car is that it takes only an hour to recharge the 6.4V battery.
Drivers of the Ferrari 488 GTB aren’t shy about owning a superior car – after all, they’ve worked hard for what they’ve got. And anyway, who cares what other people think!
- Age of the Rock Crawler(65 to 79 years)
The Rock Crawler age begins with retrospection and nostalgia. But retrospection can sour into bitter regret. Nostalgia can often sit side-by-side with scathing criticism of the modern age.
With its huge wheels, low gearing, dedicated steering motor, and articulated suspension, there’s no terrain the RC Rock Crawler can’t cope with. It flies over ramps, rumbles over rough ground, and tramples over obstacles. The driver of the Rock Crawler takes no nonsense from anyone.
- Age of “I could drive anything” (80 years plus)
This driver has more wisdom and experience than anyone; they’re viewed by the RC community as a kind of racer god who has seen it all.
Does the octogenarian drive something aggressive, to show everyone who’s boss? Something fast, to show who’s still cool? How about something red? Something black? Something sleek? Something macho?
What about the John Deere Tractor?
Kidal Delonix is a contributor to Mr. Hoffman's blog. The views and opinions are entirely his/her own and may not reflect Mr Hoffman's views.
